new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
