And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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