I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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