why do cheetos always look like penises
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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