Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
