***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sarcasm needs its own font
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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