You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
