Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
