We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just want to make out with him forever
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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