Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
