dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
