i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
