turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
