Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
where are my eyebrows?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
