I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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