I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
