actually, I'm a sock model
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
