Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
