youre lurking in front of me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
