Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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