I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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