I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Shame - the story of my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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