P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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