I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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