i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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