you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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