I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
