I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
