I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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