No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
