I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
