If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
