Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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