he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
