Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
