we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
this is an emotional support booty call
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
