I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
