i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
