True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
