if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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