I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
