i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
