I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
