i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
