He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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