I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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