The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
