I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
