Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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