There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
