so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
